HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH (Part 1)

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So just how much is too much? And no I ain’t asking about make-up, show of flesh and definitely not about salt in the food. I’m talking about emotional strain. Just how much (for lack of a better word) crap can we take from those that we love? Because apparently it is they that can hurt us the most.

I’m talking on behalf of that soft spoken mother/wife/girlfriend who cannot stand up for herself, always letting the significant other beat her down. She apologizes for mistakes she did not make, loses arguments willingly even though she is right just because she loves or respects you. I’m speaking for a brother who does anything to prove his father wrong because all he ever heard growing up was “You are headed for failure…you will amount to nothing”. I’m representing kids from dysfunctional families that put up a facade that everything is perfect when it is not. They live their lives as if they were messengers or personal assistants. Everyday it’s a case of, “Go tell your mother this…go tell your father that..” It’s unspoken but it’s like they are secretly forced to choose who among the folks is the favorite and it tears them apart because they love them both equally.

Yes, I am talking to you, you who have been through such pain; you who is still going through such pain. Can’t remember how many times you have soaked your pillow case at night? Well guess what, neither can I. And no, there is no leak on my roof just above my pillow case and I also don’t think i drool while I sleep. Soaked in tears…not the kind you cry when happy. Not the ones I cry as I watch movies (yeah I’m that emotional) and definitely not the ones you cried when mum used a mwiko or red slippers (apparently they were supposed to be more painful than the blue ones) to instill discipline squarely on your behind whenever you stole sugar from the kitchen cabinet.

I’m talking about the kind of tears that come from the depths of your soul. The kind of tears you suppress during the day or amidst people just so you seem okay…just so you seem strong..but you can hold them for only so long as they fight for their freedom in the comfort of your solitude; running freely down your cheeks as you think to yourself…”why me?!!”. The kind of tears that give you tummy cramps, migraines, puffy red eyes and a stuffed nose.

A big salute to you who have cried such. We may not share the same struggle but I feel your pain because I too have cried these tears. I know many are the times thoughts of revenge have clouded your mind…thoughts of running away from it all, thoughts of giving up on life have become too familiar in your head. You know what? I’ve had those thoughts too. But I choose to ignore them. Many are the times you feel alone..no one understands you but lemme tell you now… Someone feels your pain…someone understands your struggles… Someone cares. And this someone happens to be none other than our Heavenly Father.

As His children, He watches over us, He sees each tear. At times I don’t believe it especially when I’m in a fragile state (sorry God for doing this but I promise to trust you more) but after taking a cool glass of chill I remember that He gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.

So smile because He got you covered. I don’t promise you that the tears will end right now but I can tell you for sure, He didn’t bring you this far to leave you.

So until next post…soldier on 🙂 God bless y’all.

TELL HIM SOMEHOW

Long time before I wrote anything. Well this week I was feeling inspired to whip up something… Where my inspiration came from? A couple. Marie and Biggie. A different kind of love story.. Well as you would know by now I am a sucker for love stories and this one.. one of a kind. To cut the story short, the two are very talented musicians…in love…and what better foundation to this love than knowing the love of God? Catch them in concert at the The Michael Joseph Centre on the 13th September 7-9pm and 14th September 3-5pm.

Tickets: KES 600 per show.
Limited season tickets available at KES 1000 for both shows.

Still haven’t said what inspired me… Well, really wanted to know how they met..their journey etc so luckily I found a link to Marie’s blog. What I read was very emotional and inspiring. Indeed not your everyday kind of love story, but what really caught my eye is the fact that Marie actually approached Biggie and not the other way around.

Now as a girl who always goes for what she wants, this relationship sector has been different. The African stereotype has it that it is somewhat awkward for the girl to approach the boy but if you ask me, Marie is very brave and did what many of us girls would not dare do. Now she has a soul mate.

I wrote this piece explaining the dilemma of girls like me, who still have this stereotype determining what protocol to observe in terms of relationships. This piece is also for those who are extra cautious because their hearts were broken before. You like someone but you are afraid to share your feelings as you keep holding on to the past. Let go and let God is my advice. Enjoy and share.

TELL HIM SOMEHOW

Oh I wish I could tell him somehow

Of the confusion I get

When I look into his eyes

Hoping yet not hoping

That mine will betray me

Maybe with a kiss but none like Judas’.

How I wish I could tell him somehow

That even with his slightest touch

My heart stops…

No, it beats fastest yet the slowest

All at the same time.

I wish I could tell him somehow

That I like him…more than normal

I smile alone foolishly thinking of him

Praying that ‘us’ is part of God’s will

But it is a shame that in all my bravery

My lips are still sealed.

Wish I could tell him somehow

That he could be the one

I wanna spend an eternity with

If only I could just speak…

Open up my heart and mouth.

I could tell him somehow

But… stereotypes have it that

It’s somewhat not acceptable 

For me to approach him

So I wait, praying that he feels the same

That one day he will be the one to make the move.

Could tell him somehow…

But my heart was broken before

So I am protective of these fragile pieces

I have to be patient…let time

Prove that he is worthy

To put them back together and

With tender love, care for it,

Just as I would his.

Tell him somehow…?

Just maybe he will find out on his own,

Just maybe he feels the same,

Just maybe he will also tell me somehow

But someday, some way…

I will tell him somehow.

FREE FALL.

Hope we are all having an awesome start to an amazing week… Monday blues? I love the colour so my day is just great… This next poem..(sigh), I don’t know where it came from but somewhere deep within me…Hahaha.. Fantasies. Enjoy!

FREE FALL

Once a little girl, 

Taught how to walk, ride a bike,

Many are the times I’d fall and cry,

They’d pick me up and comfort me,

But now, please, let me fall…

In love with him.

Many a time, I make careless steps,

I may slide or stumble,

They say I’m tripping but honestly,

It’s intentional,

So don’t give me a lending hand,

Because I want to fall…

In love with him.

Lemme fall because now,

On this very ground,

I see him much clearer.

No need to be high on any cloud,

Because in all sobriety I still say,

Don’t pick me up, lemme fall…

In love with him.

Gather a crowd, call the masses to come witness,

“You’re embarrassing yourself,” they say,

But truthfully… I don’t mind it one bit,

Allow me to soil myself with his love,

I will fall over and over again if need be,

As it is the cry of my sincere heart.

So lemme be, lemme fall…

In love with him.

To him that I love,

Don’t stop me I pray,

For it will be in vain,

They say love complements those who share in it,

Makes them better people.

My love, I have fallen,

If you wish to make me better,

Don’t pick me up, it’s a free fall,

So fall my darling,

Fall not for me…

But in all togetherness, fall…

In love with me.

THROUGH YOUR EYES.

Behold…another one of the works so precious to me. So…things I like in a guy.. mostly I look at the Spiritual and Character traits but when it comes to the Physical, I have to say that the eyes and smile do it for me… The eyes are a very powerful mode of communication. Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes without a word and feel like it was the most interesting conversation? Well.. I have. The eyes sometimes share information that the mouth cannot utter. Lemme let you in on a secret. To know my true emotions, look at my eyes.. my mouth may smile but if I ain’t smizing ((smiling with the eyes) for the analogue generation), then know it is not genuine (well not all the time)…as for the rest of my secrets, you gotta know me first… I can’t tell you all about my eyes because..let’s just say a little mystery doesn’t hurt.

So for that special set of eyes out there… This one’s for you:

THROUGH YOUR EYES.

I wonder how it feels like,

Seeing through your eyes,

Wishing you could see them like I do,

More spectacular than the sunrise,

Over the peak of your smile.

Lucky is the lass who sees them the path,

To that most coveted prize,

Thine tender loving and pure heart.

I wonder how it feels like,

Seeing through your eyes,

Bees might think them a honey hive,

For these caramel brown beauties ooze none but sweetness.

In them not even the best swimmers can thrive,

For occasionally, I drown… I get lost,

As I dance in the waves of your gaze.

I wonder if you know how it feels like, 

Looking into your eyes,

As tough as I may try to be,

A girl gets tongue-tied,

She may try play hard to get but…

Those eyes indeed…are hard to forget.

I try to avoid em but like a magnet they draw me back to you,

Their field and attraction…stronger when I’m close to you.

They captivate me…have me smiling like a fool.

I better be careful though,

Not to look at them too long,

For these brown definitions of sweetness,

Are just but my strongest weakness.

PIECES OF MY SOUL.

So, I rarely do this poetry thing.. Used to wonder how they (poets) get so rhymy and sentimental in their words but I got to understand.. it’s all about the muse. Mine..well, depends on life situations, movies I have watched, songs I hear… They give me this sudden burst of emotion, giving my all, making me feel like I have had my heart pierced and the words just ooze out of my mind like blood. It’s like I am in a trance till I place that final period where it’s supposed to be then I come back to reality. Some of these poems come with a tear, some nostalgia and some fantasy.

I keep most of them to myself but a good friend advised me to share it with the world, give them a little piece of my soul..(well not exactly but you get what I mean.. My soul is God’s alone).They ain’t quite perfect like Maya Angelou’s but they mean a lot to me.. Hope you enjoy this one entitled: IN MY DREAM..The rest will come with time.. Lemme know what you think.

IN MY DREAM.

In my dream, you are truly mine,

But in reality, you are truly a dream.

A dream so sweet, see now the cavities,

I need a doctor..to not only fill these gaps in my heart,

But also fill these holes in my soul with something else,

Something other than this sweetness I’m oh so addicted to.

 

In my dream, you are truly mine,

But in reality, you are truly a dream.

Don’t pinch me because I never want to wake up.

If I could, then know I would,

Live in this dream forever.

And should it turn to a nightmare,

You said, ” It means you ain’t tucked in well,”

So I hold on to my blanket a little tighter,

With the hope that I will continue dreaming,

Dreaming sweetly.

 

In my dream, you are truly mine,

But in reality, you are truly a dream,

With the rising sun, man departs from the warmth of his bed,

Out into the cold and unforgiving world where reality seems almost unbearable,

He awaits that precious moment of reunion with his sheets,

Where sleep gives him a comforting embrace and a first class ticket,

Destination Sweet Dreamland.

I too don’t wanna be left out on this trip…where all worries are forgotten,

But wait.. I am already here because,

Isn’t life just one big dream??

Then where does my dream and reality meet??

Pray tell me, I need to go there because I need to make this dream…

I need to make you my reality..